This past weekend seemed to be a sign of things to come, but in some ways only an illusion of contempt for one's surroundings. On one hand, I spent a large portion of my time worrying about when I'm gonna be able to pay my next bill and what I'm gonna make for dinner for just one guy. On the other hand, it dawned on me that while I am usually overwhelmed by an immense sense of lonliness, realistically I shouldn't be. I have no fewer people in my life now than I did before.
I think the one big festering thorn in my side is the fact that when so many people I knew were down on their luck and in need of a friend, I was there for them. I was always available to reassure them that they had someone looking out for them; anything to alleviate that sense of loneliness one can feel when the world seems to have shunned you.
But now the roles have reversed. It is I who is now dealing with the pressures and tribulations of living alone and not a peep from those who not so long ago were in need of my help in similar situations. What it tells me is how selfish the people I surrounded myself with really are. All of them. There is not one person from my past who is not guilty of this. Granted, some people are simply too far away to really be of any impact and I can understand their hesitation to impose, but for the people who live in the same damn state, there is no excuse to, in it's simplest form, repay the debt of time I am owed comforting those who needed it not too long ago.
It's irrelevant I suppose at this point. I have already begun the process of mentally exiling those individuals who are no longer in my good graces or simply do not deserve my attention by simple reflection of their intent or apathy. Some people would say I'm burning bridges and that it's unwise to do so. Under normal circumstances I would agree. However, in this case, the bridges were mere mirages of stability in a perceived reality now debunked as fiction.
I think the one big festering thorn in my side is the fact that when so many people I knew were down on their luck and in need of a friend, I was there for them. I was always available to reassure them that they had someone looking out for them; anything to alleviate that sense of loneliness one can feel when the world seems to have shunned you.
But now the roles have reversed. It is I who is now dealing with the pressures and tribulations of living alone and not a peep from those who not so long ago were in need of my help in similar situations. What it tells me is how selfish the people I surrounded myself with really are. All of them. There is not one person from my past who is not guilty of this. Granted, some people are simply too far away to really be of any impact and I can understand their hesitation to impose, but for the people who live in the same damn state, there is no excuse to, in it's simplest form, repay the debt of time I am owed comforting those who needed it not too long ago.
It's irrelevant I suppose at this point. I have already begun the process of mentally exiling those individuals who are no longer in my good graces or simply do not deserve my attention by simple reflection of their intent or apathy. Some people would say I'm burning bridges and that it's unwise to do so. Under normal circumstances I would agree. However, in this case, the bridges were mere mirages of stability in a perceived reality now debunked as fiction.
2 comments:
While I agree that it's disappointing that the ones you were there for are not strong enough to return the favor. You should ask yourself(as I always do) what motivates me to do for others? Am I here for this person in need because I am expecting something in return or expect to collect on it later or am I truly giving of myself without condition and want to help a fellow soul move on in life.
It is disappointing but thats what happens when we EXPECT something of others. When we place expectations on a relationship we will always be disappointed. Unless we make an agreement with those we helped that they must repay us the favor then its our own expectations we should be upset with.
Give of yourself without expectations. All relationships (friends, family, acquaintances) IMHO should be this way.
You can if you choose to move past these people who you shared part of your life with but don't be angry or have regrets. I am sure you have MANY fond memories of each person and that is a much better way to remember them by.
I happened across your site and I feel for your situation. You are well spoken and I know that things will turn for you. Have faith. Not in the religious sense but a spiritual.
If you need someone to chat with or talk with you are welcome to call. No strings attached or expectations .
You don't know me from Adam. I felt compelled to take the time and let you know you have been heard.
This is a genuine offer to be a friend.
Richard Wing
http://www.twitter.com/RichardWing
Phoenix, AZ
623-505-6302
Certainly I never expect anything when I do anything for anyone. It's just in my nature most of the time. However, the bitter aftertaste knowing that so much was given and when in my time of need I was forgotten is a hard morsel to swallow. I understand what you are saying, and I agree, but our human nature makes it hard to forget the circumstances that lead up to this moment and the disappointment.
I guess in a sense it's just a reassurance that I must handle these things on my own as I have for so long already... with a shot of vodka to wash down the bitterness.
Thank you for the kind words, and it's nice to know that my words weren't completely lost to the maelstrom of the interweb.
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